Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
