I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
