dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
