My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
