So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
