You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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