i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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