This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
