i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
