There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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