why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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