they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
