I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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