Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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