i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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