I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
