She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
ttyl tear gas
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize