This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
