i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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