Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
