I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
