I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
