im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
