Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
