I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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