I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
