If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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