The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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