how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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