I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
