How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
