i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
