my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
