nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
