look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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