i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
