I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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