I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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