I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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