Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
