Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
