I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
