Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have already put on my inside pants.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
