Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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