guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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