In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
