I hate all girls vehemently.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
