it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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