Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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