my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
