we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Life is so much better after having sex.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
