woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
