I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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