Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
