Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
