I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
