I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
