Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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