oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
