So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
