you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
