I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
