If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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