How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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