i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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